Final Mercury Retro of 2019: Giving up the Ghost

In April of this year, I met and fell in love at first sight with a Scorpio man. He is 4 years younger than I am. This happened 24-hours after I flew from Sweden, where I was invited by a group of experts to present my first book. I was riding a high and blissful wave of self-realization. I didn’t realize when I saw him what hit me. I don’t believe in love at first-sight, but I was aware that people felt it, wrote, sang, and painted about it. My slow and extremely tired heart had no clue that it was capable of such an endeavour. And then it happened. That kind of connection where I forgot the details of his anatomical parts, but I just remember he felt like my counterpart, like home – a universal home, a cosmic place almost, which embodied here on Earth, was calling me to him, to belong. I hugged him and felt like he was and extension of myself, he could merely stare into my eyes and I felt an orgasm building up…but then I also felt this deep, bottomless void, as if Black matter reverberated through his smooth broad back.

A conflict churned up in me: a sense of deep belonging merged with a sense of deep despair, all wrapped up in a man whose physical presence I thought looked and felt perfectly suited to me. He really was perfect to me, I could find no flaw. Except the ones he made me sure I won’t miss, the ones he used as this relationship developed, in self-sabotaging ways, against us and this love. And where I raised boundaries, he retaliated by destroying mine and then building up his own.

My rational mind was the prime architect of the battle. It went on and on with limits: ‘You can’t find true love on Tinder, Jeesus Christ!’, ‘You can’t trust him’, ‘Don’t chase him. Love simply floats to you out of nowhere’, ‘He’s damaged, his mind is not wired properly, ruuun!’ etc. All sort of thoughts driven by circumstances and my own fears, ultimately suffocated our love. This love I felt coursed through my body like an electric current. Each day since I met him, I felt gradually took over by intense desire and utmost fear, and each communication we had since then was marred with fights. I was reminded that we were like the people in this statue:

Aleksandr Milov

And our relationship felt like this song:

The truth is he didn’t want me. He both envied me for my accomplishments and what he assumed was my material wealth, and also despised me for having self-worth. He threw me away because he was mortified I might leave him, and uttered the most shameful words I heard anyone calling me: ‘I’m taking out the trash’. I couldn’t understand what I did that deserved such a brutal and random treatment (I still don’t), since the statement came after he kicked me out of his car when I suggested to him that he could come up and have dinner with me.

We met only twice, we made love and each time it was him who kept secrets away from me, joking about a wife and a child, which only now I might assume where very much real. Perhaps that was the mess he created and felt ashamed for – the ‘garbage’ was metaphorical, and a projection of his own messy life, not a real rendition of myself. Reflecting on my sad and sudden love for this attractive man caught up in so many projections and delusions, I was reminded of Ulysses, the sirens and Calypso.

H.J.Draper – Ulysses and the Sirens

After our separation, he got into a self-inflicted car accident, and had to be operated. I went on living as best as I could and made drastic changes at work (published my first book, got two job offers and ended up choosing one with an international relocation). The love I felt for him, turned to bafflement, then to weird sweaty dreams were I was attacked by large and heavy Scorpions, then to hate as I couldn’t believe I was in love with a person who had such a low opinion of me in spite of my character. But the hatred turned into sexiness somehow as summer came. The vulnerable state in which I was left, paradoxically ended up fulfilling his fear: that I magnetized other men and allowed them to approach me. I was wanted again by other men, who were not him but whom I could use to imagine that they felt like him: men who said the things I wanted to hear coming from him, men who touched me in ways I wanted from him, to feel his touch, kiss his lips, and embrace his body.

It was a love that wasn’t meant to be. A karmic lesson that needed to be consumed. And I also believe in the sanctity of free-will. As tiny parts of the universe, wrapped up in karmic cycles here on Earth and under the stern rule of Saturn, we still get choices and each new day brings fresh tests: Will you choose kindness or cruelty? To learn or to suffer? To strike back or to go within? To wait or to lunge forward? *Join us for next week’s installment of ‘Choose wisely or perish! 🙂

I digress. This story is about the moment I felt his ‘ghost’ lifting up from me, like in the Radiohead song:

I was no longer a soundboard for his projections and delusions. I rested back within me, and savoured my moment of energetic cleansing. Which took place 30 minutes before I started writing this post. I was trying to find a video merger to finish creating one of my tarot videos, and then some Romanian pop songs started playing on the Youtube shuffle function. One in particular reminded me of him…and then something extraordinary happened, instead of pain and longing, I suddenly felt joy and passion again, but not for him, but for my life and the new possibilities that await me.

I felt as if whatever was left of him that I was carrying through my body, simply wafted away like a bad smell. The karmic debt was paid. The cycle completed.

Game over (place your name in the hall of fame :).

I got up from my desk opened the door to my bedroom balcony, saw the beaming lights of the Tennessean tower through the crisp and smoky fragrant November night air, as the notion that ‘I am going to be alright!’ sank within me. I lighted a Camel Red and it felt as good as if I just had it after sex. A weight lifted off my burdened chest, which could breathe in again, freely.

* I felt my heart smiling *

Sometimes, big things take place in small everyday moments, like the one I just experienced.

Scorpio energy is about holding on and letting go, about diving into something passionately, then releasing it, cleansing and repeating. This is why most Scorpios drive people crazy, because they don’t operate rationally but mostly on an unconscious level, where emotional depths, traumas, and creative sexuality reside. They are associated with death and graveyards because psychologically they function to bring up buried needs and repressed desires in people, to the surface so they can be rationalized.

With Scorpio energy, the beginning of a relationships has to be emotional to be an intense beginning at all. The problem with this intense way of relating, is that it cannot last, it is short-lived, like an exploding nova.

After I experience this Tower moment in my life, this emotional Death (just like in the Tarot cards), I also feel that my creativity is slowly unleashing. I crave to sit down and re-read the notes I gathered for my second book project, I crave to travel to a city that I attached to like a family member: Toronto, I crave to exercise outdoors and dance, but also to sleep better. All sorts of things flow out of me now. All the repressed energy, the one I unconsciously still dedicated to holding space for me, just dissipated and the dam of things I enjoy just burst open. I feel free. This flows into the Jupiter in Saggitarius bag of blessings, since freedom is ruled by the Dynamic Archer. And what impressed me the most is that I was able to let go through…joy, through caring for myself and just listening to music from my home country.

Joy might be the way forward then. No more fighting the Angel 😉

Alexander Louis Leloir – Jakob fighting the Angel

This was no random event, as today is the start of Mercury retrograde in the sign of Scorpio. Mercury is the planetary energy of communication, cooperation and youthfulness. It rules Geminis and as such it represents the archetype of the trickster, a master of argumentation, a talk-your-way-out-of-death-sentences kind of energy, especially when it meets Scorpio. Usually other astrologers consider Mercury in Scorpio to be the type of communicator that cuts through the bullshit quickly (it’s funny because this reminds me of prosecutors and their crisp arguments, which I am researching at the moment). Yet in my view, Mercury in Scorpio people also hold secrets for long periods of time. They go through cycles were something triggers them, they burst open with a fearsome intensity only to return to hoarding secrets and information that helps them acquire power and cement their authority. And at the moment, we are all bathing in this scalding emotional energy. So expect outpourings of emotions, whether meant to enhance intimacy or to burn barely-holding bridges. No in-betweens.

This was my moment as well to finally write about what happened. I only talked to some family members about this, and I am still unsure why I am posting about it. Perhaps, if I write it then the realization that this love is dead becomes real – like Martin Luther stamping his credo on a Church door.

What is written and public is something that validates your changing inner beliefs. It also re-shapes your identity: and through writing I want to embody this new identity, because as little time as I had with him, our love was transformative. It was grasping for each other’s inner stability in a world of chaos. I would say as well, that I write so that someone can resonate with it and perhaps feel less alone if they experience something similar. It’s not about some unjust harm being done to me, it’s more about finding and wanting to love someone who didn’t want to receive my love. It hurt up until today and my hurt was kept a secret from him, to show strength instead of vulnerability. And today, that space that I held for him, closed up, marking his failure to be loving as well. This song captures the mood so well:

Like a surgeon, Mercury going backwards sutured the wounds in the walls of my heart – she beats at full capacity again. My heart beams with light and lightness.

Sometimes to go forwards, we also have to go some steps backwards (the lesson of the current North Node transit through Cancer).

If you ask, well all this time what was I waiting for?

My answer would be, exactly this moment.

So I write this from my warm bed in a land I find unfamiliar yet exciting,

that I am protected

and I love

and I am ready

for whatever else comes up next

******

With universal love,

Lexi ❤

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